You Do Not Have to Choose: Understanding Loyalty Conflicts in Children After Separation

By Rachel Brace – Psychologist, Author - Max’s Divorce Earthquake

After separation, children do not stop loving a parent simply because the adult relationship has ended.

Yet for some children, life across two homes can bring an unexpected challenge. What becomes confusing is not who they love, but whether it feels safe to love both.

Loyalty conflicts, sometimes called loyalty binds or divided loyalties, occur when a child comes to believe they need to choose a side and maintain loyalty to one parent over the other.

Let’s be clear: children never want to choose.

Post separation,  the majority of children want - and need - to remain connected to both parents.

However, children who are aware of tension, conflict, criticism, or disapproval between their parents, can find themselves pulled into an impossible no-win situation. They can begin to feel as though they need to choose between the people they love.

In these circumstances, children often become highly attuned to the emotional atmosphere around them. They become skilled at reading the room, anticipating reactions, and finding ways to reduce the emotional discomfort that can arise when the important adults in their lives are not getting along or expose them to their hurt, resentment or dislike of one another.

Over time, this can lead children to hide parts of their lived experience, silence their feelings, or align themselves with one parent in an effort to reduce the pressure they feel. In this way, as highlighted  by co-parenting expert Karen Bonnell, perhaps one of the most devastating consequences of loyalty binds is the loss of a child's freedom to love all of their important people "out loud" in every corner of their two-home family life.

A true loyalty bind is not about a child being difficult or manipulative. It’s a child's attempt to navigate relationships that matter deeply to them.

Loyalty binds are also rarely the result of a single event. More often, they develop through repeated, subtle messages - a sigh, an eye roll, a dismissive comment, visible hurt, or exposure to adult grievances - that intentionally or unintentionally tell a child it’s unsafe to openly love, enjoy, or talk about the other parent.

Sometimes, it’s a child’s empathy or sense of responsibility pulls them into an alliance with the parent they perceive to be struggling. Whatever the reason, children then adapt their behaviour to protect relationships and reduce emotional discomfort.

Feeling caught between their parents can be a heavy and emotionally exhausting burden for children, whatever their age. Much of that exhaustion comes from constantly monitoring what they say, what they share, and how they express their feelings in each home. Children may find themselves carefully weighing whether it is safe to talk about the other parent, share a positive experience, display affection at a changeover, or express excitement about seeing a parent on the weekend.

This ongoing self-censorship and emotional vigilance can consume a considerable amount of mental and emotional energy that would otherwise be available for friendships, learning, play, hobbies, and the everyday work of being a child.

A child experiencing divided loyalties may:

• Avoid talking about one parent while with the other.

• Feel guilty for having fun during time spent in the other home.

• Hide positive experiences with one parent from the other.

• Become very protective of a parent who appears hurt or upset.

• Feel pressure to agree with negative comments about the other parent.

• Tell a parent what they think that parent wants to hear about the other home, even when it is not true.

• Worry about disappointing someone they love.

When loyalty binds tighten, the impact can extend well beyond the immediate stress of feeling caught in the middle.

Over time, children may begin to question whether important relationships are safe, secure, or dependable. Some become cautious about expressing their feelings openly, while others learn to suppress parts of themselves in an effort to keep the peace. They may feel responsible for managing the wellbeing of others, or develop an unhealthy understanding of what relationships should look and feel like.

For some children, loyalty conflicts can affect their sense of emotional security, contribute to persistent feelings of guilt, sadness, anxiety, or shame, and place strain on relationships with parents, siblings, and extended family members. As adults they may find it difficult to establish healthy boundaries, struggle to trust their own thoughts and emotions or feel confident expressing their own needs and perspectives.

Perhaps most importantly, when children are repeatedly caught in the middle of adult conflict, they can lose the freedom to simply be children. Energy that would otherwise be directed towards learning, friendships, hobbies, play, and developing their own identity becomes focused on monitoring relationships, managing emotions, and avoiding upsetting the people they love.

Where it is safe to do so, supporting and encouraging a child's relationship with both parents is one of the greatest gifts separated parents can give their child. It supports their developing individual and family identity, emotional wellbeing, and sense of belonging.

Whilst loyalty conflicts cannot simply be reasoned away, the adults involved can manage them by:

• Speaking without hesitation and neutrally about the other parent, even when frustrated or upset.

• Avoiding asking children to report on what happens in the other household.

• Keeping adult concerns and grievances out of children's earshot.

• Giving children permission to share positive experiences from the other home without

  discomfort or guilt.

• Allowing children to display photos of, or talk freely about, the other parent and extended family members.

• Reassuring children, as often as needed, they do not have to choose and are allowed to love both parents.

• Apologising if they say something they shouldn’t have said and owning any emotional messiness that created for the child.

When children know they can love both parents openly, without fear, guilt, or consequence, they no longer have to carry the weight of competing loyalties. They do not have to constantly monitor what they say, hide parts of their experiences, or worry about upsetting someone they love.

Instead, their world feels safer. They become more settled, more confident in who they are, and more secure in where they belong.

And what a gift that can be.