when children dont have the words yet

By Carla Sacharowitz

I often remind parents that communication starts long before children can clearly explain how they feel. Children communicate through movement, play, tone, behaviour, facial expression, and silence long before they can organise complex emotions into words. As adults, it can be tempting to focus on what a child says verbally, but some of the most important communication happens elsewhere.

During periods of stress or change, children can struggle to make sense of what is happening internally. Their nervous systems may be activated before their language systems can catch up. This is often when adults notice behaviours they find confusing or challenging. A child may become unusually quiet, more emotional, more physical, or suddenly resistant to routines that previously felt easy. These moments are not always deliberate “behaviour” in the way adults sometimes interpret them. Often, they are communication without words.

One of the things I talk about regularly with families is the importance of staying curious rather than corrective. When a child cannot yet explain what they are feeling, repeated questioning can sometimes increase pressure rather than create clarity. Children often communicate more freely when they feel observed calmly instead of closely examined. Small moments during play, drawing, movement, or storytelling can reveal far more than direct conversations ever will.

A simple activity parents can try at home is creating a “feelings story” together. Pick a toy, animal, or character and give them a small problem to solve. You might say, “Teddy seems a bit worried about going somewhere new today.” Then pause. Let your child take the lead.

Children will often project thoughts and emotions onto the character in ways that feel safer than speaking directly about themselves. There is no need to interpret or analyse the play in the moment. Simply listening and reflecting back what you hear can help children feel understood.

Helping children communicate is not about finding perfect words quickly. It is about creating environments where expression feels safe enough to emerge gradually. When children experience adults who can tolerate uncertainty, stay regulated, and listen without rushing to fix, they learn that communication is something they can trust, even when they do not yet fully understand their own feelings.

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